Hey everyone! So I haven’t written a blog post in a while. Why? Well, my brain malfunctions on a daily basis, I’m on my knees crawling through a psychology degree and trying to work enough hours to pay my bills all at the same time. It’s a struggle. But I want to be posting weekly again, so that’s what I’m going to do.
Trauma is something I’ve only recently been learning more about. It’s something that has become a huge part of my life. I guess it always was but I just didn’t realise it. I lived in a house with an abusive man for 20 years. When me and my mom and brother finally left 2 years ago, that’s when my journey began to start unpacking my entire life up to this point. The last day I saw him, he didn’t say a word to me and little did I know that that would be the last time I’d see him for 2 and a half years (at this point). The day we left was the first day of the rest of my life but it was a damn struggle, here’s why…
When you finally leave an abusive and traumatic environment, you have NO idea of the impact it’s been having on you day in and day out. Little things I wouldn’t even notice because it was so mundane to me, so normal. I still find myself sneaking around terrified of making too much noise, terrified to even put the kettle on or be in the shower too long. I find myself speaking in a hushed voice all the time, stressing if I’ve left a dirty dish on the side for longer than 5 minutes and always on edge when someone’s about to come home. But the thing is, I have no reason to feel this way anymore. I’m away from him. I’m safe. Physically, you can disconnect but mentally? That takes work, a LOT of it.
Over the past 2 years I’ve been working my ass off trying to become more self aware. I’ve been trying to dilute my entire life story up to this point just trying to gage some kind of understanding of who I am, why I am the way I am, what I want from life and how I’m going to get there (anyone with BPD knows that’s a struggle). Doing this took me to some of my lowest lows because gradually, more and more memories are resurfacing. Things I had completely forgotten about. Nights he’d come home and lash out, drunkenly spewing hatred at me and blaming me for all of his problems. Nights I’d lock myself in my room and hide in the corner, hands over my ears just trying to drown out the shouting. I lived on eggshells for 20 years and no amount of words can describe just how much of a hell hole it was.
Memories resurfacing is difficult. It’s exhausting. It’s down right cruel in some ways. You sort of come to terms with the idea of not remembering huge chunks of your life because in a way, it’s easier to be like that. But the brain doesn’t care about what’s easy, it cares about what’s real. So when you’re having flashbacks of these events at 3 in the morning, hyperventilating and praying it’s going to stop at some point soon, it’s difficult to believe that that is in any way beneficial to you.
However, it is. I promise you it is. I’m still at the very beginning stages of my journey. Today I went to see my psychiatrist and I’ve been referred for trauma counselling. I’m excited and scared. I’ve been working on my own mental health everyday for 2 years now, identifying my triggers and just trying to understand who I am. It’s a scary concept having to relive all of your darkest deepest memories. The memories that had you hurting yourself at age 12 and planning your suicide at age 13. But it’s so necessary. You have to unpack it, organise it, deal with it, and put it away again. Easier said than done I know but I’m slowly starting to accept that as that’s what this is going to have to be. I’m terrified, but I’m ready.
I’m ready to start living life. I’m tired of spending every single day in so much emotional pain that life doesn’t seem worth it. I’m tired of wasting days and days on end stuck in my own little bubble. This world, although it has its faults, is such a beautiful and amazing place to be. There’s so much to discover and learn. So many things to smile about. I hope I find my reason to smile soon.
I’m going to round off here. I appreciate this is a short blog post, but I’m still getting back into the swing of things. I need some time to improve my writing skills and well, tbh, my brain isn’t coming up with many thoughts right now but I’m okay. I will be okay, and so will you.
Go outside today; even just for a minute. Smell the fresh air, hear the birds sing, feel the breeze on your skin. Appreciate the simplistic beauty of everything around you. It doesn’t need to try to be as amazing as it is, and neither do you.
Speak soon, BorderlineAntoinette